February 10, 2003

i got jesus fish'd.

i'm driving to work really late again, and another damn soccermom cuts me off with her minivan, and - bam - i got jesus fish'd.

first off, all you goddamn soccermom's in your minivans (or RX300's, gold-diggers) - i'll leave that for another rant.

my focus right now is on the little metal "jesus fish" decals that are seen all over the road these days. seriously, let's walk through this one.

i'm a redneck who drives a beat up F-150. i have a turn signal, but i don't use it because i can't remember whether "up" means "left" or "right". i keep the double-barrel shotgun in the back of my truck loaded in case i see a deer on the side of the road. i drive my inbred coustin-wife to the supermarket twice a week so she can pick up more vagisil.

i'm a 40-year old single woman. i weigh 300lbs because i can't keep my damn fingers off the hot pockets. i drive my 1985 mercury grand marquis to taco bell at least 12 times a week. my hair has the consistency of crisco. the interior of my car smells like chicken fat. my cat pissed on my carpet once, so i ate it.

i'm a soccermom. when i was 18, i went on a 4-year husband shopping spree at Texas A&M University. i married into money when i was 20, and dropped out of school immediately so i could start cleaning his toilet. before driving my 3 kids to soccer practice every sunday in my 1995 dodge caravan, i make sure we spend the morning at church. i also cheat on my husband, snort coke, and publish nude pictures of myself on the internet. my favorite band is still hootie & the blowfish.

(ok, i lied about saving the soccermom rant.)

what do these three people have in common? at one point, each of these people went through the following 14-step thought process:

1) do i have any opinions of my own?
2) hmm, i think i like jesus.
3) yes! jesus good.
4) i can't believe i just formed my own opinion.
5) now that i have an opinion, god says i should force it on the rest of the world.
6) how do i tell people about my love for jesus?
7) don't fish have something to do with jesus?
8) yes, of course - i believe in jesus, and i smell like fish!
9) i need to get a fish.
10) but where can i find an audience for my fish?
11) my audience needs to be sitting down.
12) and literate.
13) and able to read.
14) hmm.. where can i find an audience that is sitting, and - ah HA!

and then it dawned on them: put the fish on the ass of your car. yes, the ass of your car, where so many other fine reading materials -- like, your license plate -- have pleased your captive audiences so many times in the past.

well, i wouldn't want all you jesus-fish'ers to feel left out. next time you see my car cut you off, I hope you enjoy viewing my own fine selection of literature:






Posted by eviljack in reality at February 10, 2003 11:52 PM