April 27, 2003

the logic of people

"can I have that? what is it?"


Posted by eviljack at 09:14 PM

April 22, 2003

today's forecast: jihad against al roker

Read just about any weather-related web site or publication these days and you will see a new feature: A report on the weather in Iraq.

Tune your television into the weather forecast with the new-and-improved Al Roker (50lb Limited Edition, now featuring more anal leakage than Anna-Nicole Smith on Olestra) and you hear something like this:

"The outlook for Basrah is looking sunny and in the mid-to-low 80's all week, but watch out if you're planning some late-afternoon travel between Kut-Al-Hai and Chamchamal! Our forecast indicates sandstorms and heavy bombing may be coming your way!"

Al, who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

The Weather Channel prominently displays a link on their front page (Middle East Weather), although it appears that they are having trouble keeping up with the fast pace of the imperial forces -- the document is still named "afghanistanwx.html". Watch out! All those high-tech Afghanis with internet-enabled caves might get confused.

AccuWeather has a report on the Middle East, oddly sharing a page with glowing praise for resident-Expert Senior Meteorologist Joe Bastardi. Bastardi? Joe, here's some advice: Change your name to Mohammed Bastar-di-Hussein and move to America 2.0 Iraq for a better look. Maybe one of the recently-liberated Iraqis will beat you to death with his new Doc Martens after looting the local Payless.

And then there's the Weather Underground, whose cutting-edge PHP scripts can be used to build your own "favorites" page to monitor weather in Karbalaa, Salahaddin, and Tickreet. That's right, in case "Iraq Weather" isn't specific enough for you, you can now hand-pick each trampled city that you urgently need weather data for.

You would think that it occurred to someone, somewhere, that this information is completely useless. Print, television, internet - there isn't a single medium here that could possibly deliver this information to anyone who actually needs it.

Case and point: Anyone having a Tom Selleck mustache and a last name with more than 4 hyphens doesn't get the New York Times delivered to their doorstep. And if you really are in Iraq right now, here's an idea: Try walking the fuck outside! According to your new masters and occupying overlords, it's going to be sunny all week. And looting inventories are going fast, so make sure to get your priceless antiques and new office furniture before supplies run out.


Posted by eviljack at 12:45 AM

April 21, 2003

happy pill


Have a nice day.


Posted by eviljack at 02:10 AM