February 09, 2005

fight clubs

ash wednesday is one of my favorite days of the year. for those of you not familiar with what ash wednesday is, allow me to elaborate.

catholic wake up and remembers that he promised his parents he would act religious. catholic goes to church, eats jesus crackers, and rubs holy dirt on his forehead. the dirt symbol is something akin to putting a "my daughter plays soccer at valley high school" sticker on the bumper of your car. catholic goes to work and smiles knowingly at other catholics.

jew wakes up and remembers that it is catholic-pride day. jew decides that he must reinforce his minority religious beliefs and puts on his shiniest beanie. jew goes to work and snickers with other jews at the success of their distraction from catholic-pride day. high-fives all around.

catholic gets angered at jew for stealing his thunder. jew asserts his right to religious freedom and prematurely escalates to the anti-defamation league, which doesn't actually cares about defamatory statements unless they involve jews.

anti-defamation league cavalary arrives, as dozens of angry beanie-heads pour out of their imported automobiles. dirt-heads band together to form a taller, better looking, and less hairy coalition of people who don't really care about religion, but are always drunk enough for a good fight.

dirt-heads battle beanie-heads for ultimate religious supremacy. dirt-heads break beanie-heads' glasses. beanie-heads run away crying and calling lawyer siblings on their football-sized cell-phone-mp3-player-digital-camera-pda devices. beanie-heads hang up mid-call after remembering that they don't have enough "anytime" minutes left in their phone plans.

nobody wins. 364 days pass. repeat.


Posted by eviljack at 02:09 PM