February 09, 2007

in the name of

belief is a wonderful thing - it's just that most of its organizations have ruined it.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:15 PM

February 03, 2007

for the nineties nastalgist

to be fair, the switchfoot album isn't bad - better than you think it will be, at least. it's as if that guy from the fray had balls and a band that also wrote music. but anyone looking there would have a better bet on the new (old) army of anyone cd. even some cool drumming on a rock album, for a change.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 08:27 PM

September 30, 2005

why corporations suck

ATTN: ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING DIVISION

IT HAS COME TO IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT DELIVERY OF NEW PRODUCT DURING THE LAST FISCAL YEAR FELL SHORT OF MEETING MOORE'S LAW BY 6%.

WE ARE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THIS AS STRICT ADHERENCE TO MOORE'S LAW IS A COMMITMENT TO OUR INVESTORS AND PRICED INTO ANALYST EPS CONSENSUS. AS SUCH, ALL ANNUAL BONUSES WILL BE WITHHELD UNTIL PRODUCTIVITY EXCEEDS MOORE'S LAW.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED DEDICATION. GO TEAM!

MANAGEMENT

-e

Posted by eviljack at 05:27 PM

July 03, 2005

a few words on perpetual disappointment

while the draught of originality continues, we are comforted by the few disappointments that actually had potential:

out of exile - release this album at the time of badmotorfinger and you would have been hailed as instant classics. release this album in 2005 and you have nothing to say that hasn't been said.

with teeth - tease us with one moment of wish-style rocking during you know what you are before pulling out the rug and saying "just kidding! time for more fragile b-sides!". cruel.

in your honor - continued evidence that the wall was the only double album that wouldn't have been better as a single (no, billy, not even mellon collie). the foos are cleaner than ever before - clearly 100% digital at this point - working for them when they want to be on the radio, and against them when they want to convince us that they have hair on their chests (aside: they don't). great songs intermingling with forgettable songs. and to say that your best album (one by one) had only "four good songs"? give it another listen and remind yourselves how to rock for more than 10 minutes straight.

x&y - adding blatant ripoff to your formulaic retread does not qualify as innovation. it seems you missed the definition of "tribute" during your gradeschool education - being popular does not give you the credibility to steal a classic melody from kraftwerk and pretend it is your song (re: talk). and shifting the clocks rhythm to regurgitate speed of sound? fans should take chris martin seriously when he says "i regard us as being incredibly good plagiarists". i will enjoy watching your popularity subside as your ego consumes you.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:41 PM

April 18, 2005

a question

ask me once and you're curious.
ask me twice and you're interested.
ask me three times and it's an interrogation.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:12 PM

March 08, 2005

fuck

the weather on monday was beautiful.

not today. today is the kind of "fuck you" weather that tourists pay money to see. it starts with the forecast that nobody believes. "bullcrap, it was great yesterday!" well it's still great - at 8am - but by 11am you realize how weather is about to make you its bitch. the flurries border on blizzard as you gleefully watch shit flying everywhere from work all morning.

i have to build a platform for my electronic drums, because apparently all of my neighbors wish i was dead. (note to self: tip doormen again next year.) input from a scientist, a hippy, and a genius indicate that the optimal structure incorporates a 4'x6'x1" high-density rubber mat (weight estimate: 180lbs). the rapemasters at omnifitness were supposed to have mine delivered last thursday, but "the truck never came".

so i'm lifting a 90lb interim mat out of my friend's apartment, this thing is so stiff that we need to tie up the roll with phone cord. after learning that "murray hill is NOT tuder city" from a random cab buddy, my cab driver explains to me that the roads are fucked to hell because the flurries turned to ice after the temperature dropped to 15. he's "driving in an extremely safe manner" as he turns his entire head towards my backseat and complements me on being "a very excellent cab customer".

i'm importing free rock music from michigan because everyone in new york is so fucking "employed" about music. their plane was supposed to arrive at 10:30pm, and if they actually land on this calendar day they can look forward to 2+ hours of combined waiting and riding through shitsleet before finally getting to my apartment. new york city funks you very much for coming to visit.

we need to finish before 6pm saturday, because that's when my boss' wedding starts. the man pulling $200k+/year, fresh off a $1M midtown condo purchase and $4k of pre-wedding photographs, has made a demand - he paid double for the goddamn open bar, it opens at 6, most of his guests won't use it, and i better goddamn pull my weight. and the best part - i'm going to pay him $200, and he's going to write me a thank you note.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:14 PM

February 09, 2005

fight clubs

ash wednesday is one of my favorite days of the year. for those of you not familiar with what ash wednesday is, allow me to elaborate.

catholic wake up and remembers that he promised his parents he would act religious. catholic goes to church, eats jesus crackers, and rubs holy dirt on his forehead. the dirt symbol is something akin to putting a "my daughter plays soccer at valley high school" sticker on the bumper of your car. catholic goes to work and smiles knowingly at other catholics.

jew wakes up and remembers that it is catholic-pride day. jew decides that he must reinforce his minority religious beliefs and puts on his shiniest beanie. jew goes to work and snickers with other jews at the success of their distraction from catholic-pride day. high-fives all around.

catholic gets angered at jew for stealing his thunder. jew asserts his right to religious freedom and prematurely escalates to the anti-defamation league, which doesn't actually cares about defamatory statements unless they involve jews.

anti-defamation league cavalary arrives, as dozens of angry beanie-heads pour out of their imported automobiles. dirt-heads band together to form a taller, better looking, and less hairy coalition of people who don't really care about religion, but are always drunk enough for a good fight.

dirt-heads battle beanie-heads for ultimate religious supremacy. dirt-heads break beanie-heads' glasses. beanie-heads run away crying and calling lawyer siblings on their football-sized cell-phone-mp3-player-digital-camera-pda devices. beanie-heads hang up mid-call after remembering that they don't have enough "anytime" minutes left in their phone plans.

nobody wins. 364 days pass. repeat.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 02:09 PM

January 15, 2005

and so it was that i ate raw hamburger

if a hot dog had a career path - that is to say, if there was some ultimate form of being that one could work towards during it's hot dog life - it would be to become steak tartar.

and for $17, it shall be the finest ground beef in all of the land.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 08:17 PM

October 01, 2004

ilities

re-use is not free, but it is disposable at the expense of integration.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 03:28 AM

September 14, 2004

play my finger

"because with Scentstories, you can play scents ...

<dramatic pause while you contemplate what the hell this could possibly mean>

... like you play music."

are you fucking kidding me?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 08:33 PM

September 12, 2004

the anatomy of food

despite the scopic array of things that we are willing to consider as "food", it does fundamentally remain that all foods fall into exactly one of two categories:

salty or sweet.

if you're not sure which one your particular food belongs to, ask yourself which of the two ingredients (salt or sugar) would taste disgusting if added to it. your food is the other one.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 03:04 AM

August 05, 2004

harold and kumar

after seeing this opening night, someone told me this movie would become a "cult classic" soon.

if that happens, here's why it would. this is what you would be inclined to call a writer's movie. as if only to test the limits of auto-fellation, writer's produce a creation that revolves around their ideas and nothing more.

the result is plot-centric storytelling, a genre already pioneered and with an established following. characters are developed, but only as inadvertant consequences of actions necessary to advance the story.

watching a good story is like reading a good book, and there is a certain type of audience that both recognizes and appreciates this type of an accomplishment. (I'll give you a hint -- they're the same ones who keep telling you that kingpin is "the greatest movie ever".)

moreover, to have this movie playing in an absolutely ridiculous theater -- with a single room, single movie, single-person staffing, brainwashing tv advertisements, and actual curtains in front of a single screen -- only serves to fuel the stereotype.

I mean, if you couldn't smoke weed in a place like that, where could you? especially if you have a new dugout.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:17 PM

July 26, 2004

what irony sounds like

311 playing "come original" in a set after the roots.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:29 AM

June 23, 2004

what isolation sounds like

it's real early morning
no one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks
when it lands
will my eyes
be closed or open?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:58 AM

June 06, 2004

yes

IMG_1155_crop_300.jpg

-e

Posted by eviljack at 08:52 PM

May 20, 2004

81 and depressed

after providing a very contextual and educated perspective on the current state of our union, I found it strange that this article would take a last-minute hard-turn into baseless speculation.

yes, he's not dead yet.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:55 AM

May 10, 2004

jacksons talk

$20 bills - the official currency of NYC.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 10:02 PM

January 12, 2004

i bought these things called "blondies"

they're pretty good. but not good in a really-good kind of way,
more like, in a i-wish-this-didn't-have-nuts kind of way.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:34 PM

January 03, 2004

(this is) the dream of evan and chan

is postal service's best track.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:56 AM

December 23, 2003

the business plan will save us

I have developed the ultimate business plan:

Step 1: Lie.
Step 2: Profit.
Step 3: ?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:01 AM

April 21, 2003

happy pill

happyPill.jpg

Have a nice day.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 02:10 AM

February 13, 2003

microshizzle

Read the G-double-O-G-L-E informative shiznit. See President Big Baby Bush in action. Find out how Microshizzle works helps yo' ass shop smart online.

Courtesy of possibly the greatest website ever: The Shizzolator.

Thank god for the internet. (And thanks chizang)

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:47 AM