May 28, 2009

ah, home

home, sweet home. how do you know you're home? i know how you know. you have a clean asshole, that's how.

who really cleans their asshole while they're out of town? i don't mean a splash on the pan, i'm talking about an all good get up right in there ass cleaning. ahhh, yes, home.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 05:52 PM

November 23, 2008

losers of yesterday, meet losers of today: just like you, only different

it's good to know that the 80s el33ts are alive and strong as ever. witness these classic "nfo notes" for the "group release" of a gnr chinese democracy retail disc rip:

Is this the most most mostest awaited album of all time??!?

Maybe?!?!

Explicit Retail baby. If you dont trust and want scans,
just ask.
This red star on the cd looks too much communist btw...

FUCK YOU AXL. AND FUCK THE HATERS!

LONG LIVE TO THE OLD SKEWL.

WE THE KINGS. NEVER FORGET!

ps. Forum/P2P posters stop taking credits for work you
didn't do!! respect our -TAG

it's been so long since there was any sort of reason to behave like this, it makes you wonder: are these people who are actually romantic about the "losers of yesterday", or are they just so stupid they perpetuate a loser culture without even realizing it?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:35 PM

November 09, 2008

o.m.g.

http://blogs.zdnet.com/Burnette/?p=680

anyone who knows anything about unix, please explain to everyone else why this is absolutely the worst thing ever.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:40 AM

April 07, 2008

your names are dumb

"mara". the name mara, in the readings of buddhism, essentially means "evil bitch from hell". which brings me to my point: this nickname is retarded.

mara is short for tamara, but not really, because it doesn't cut "tamara" short, it cuts tamara before it even begins. this is not a nickname, this is the suffix of a name.

i will prove that this is stupid empirically. let's say that i wanted you to go to the kitchen, but instead i told you to go to then "chen". you would have no idea what i'm talking about, and therefore anyone who asks me to call them "mara" should be shot.

it should be law that anyone who arbitrarily truncates the first half of their name is required to be called "asshole" until they die. this actor who calls himself "topher grace" has adopted what must be the dumbest name of all time, and his credits would be a lot less offensive if it was listed as "asshole grace" instead. children all over the world would appreciate this fine name in the credits for win a date with ted hamilton, spiderman 3, and other crappy movies full of assholes.

you might be asking by this point, if someone named christopher can't call themselves topher, is it ok for them to call themselves chris? of course it is, this is a stupid question. "chris" is the beginning of a name, and by calling people "chris" we increase the efficiency of our communication without introducing any ambiguity. plus, we flaunt our capacity for being lazy, which as we all know is the true american dream.

then there are people named "robert" that call themselves "bob". this is possibly the most dickhead move you could make. this isn't a prefix, it isn't even a suffix, this is just plain re-writing. to all "bobs", "jacks", and "bills" who weren't born with the name, a better re-writing of your name would be "fuck you".

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:03 PM

February 15, 2008

x300

evidently, vista is so "made for portables" that notebook manufacturers now see fit to separate out vista battery life -- at a reduced value of about 1 hour. this is what happens when a bunch of people become millionaires and retire.

hit the feature set hard, but slap on a wimp of a 1.2ghz processor and hope nobody notices. but the screen is hot, the form is good, and they even bothered to integrate a camera while still not being apple.

at least people who fucking hate iphones have something they can buy that doesn't suck.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:54 PM

January 18, 2008

geezer plays footy but it's all pants

there is something very "rolling stones" about london. you regularly walk down narrow, dark streets that have an industrial, run-down feel. streets like this are to be avoided in new york, but in london they are the norm.

grown men ride scooters, but somehow they do not magically turn gay. and you wouldn't know it even if they did, because in london your gaydar is broken. indians wear the same tom selleck mustaches, but speak in native british accents instead of "thank you mr. jack" 7-11 speak. about 15% of all people look like keith richards.

instead of bars we have pubs, and instead of tips, "expensive" comes free with every purchase. there are no taxis driven by muslims, instead there are black cabs driven by men with high education.. or from kenya. and while there are illegal cabs, in london they drive shitty japanese cars.

and yet, after enough visits, there is an appeal about this inverted city that grows on you slowly. but steadily.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 04:04 PM

April 18, 2007

two days after the worst shooting in u.s. history ever

the incident is neither as shallow as you assumed it to be, nor as deep as the shooter believed it was. some things to note:

- the so-called 'manifesto' was not just premediated, but laboringly planned.

- the shooter reads written text in the video lectures filmed of himself. he does not speak to the camera directly or improvise in any of the released footage.

- the shooter was an english major.

- initial reports have proclaimed the spoken monologues to be 'incoherent ramblings' -- and other labels which really mean either "i was too lazy to try and make sense out of anything written above a 7th grade level" or "i am too stupid".

- no matter how unfortunate, the writings clearly indicate a metaphorical and dramatized view of the world, which philosophiques will compulsively need to comb over for much more time than is morally appropriate.

- in the grand tradition of american culture, blame will be sought after, and fingers will be pointed by all. accusations are already being raised as to whether critical errors were made by entities such as the police, the mental hospital he stayed in for some time, the school's english department, the shooter's native country, the university, and interestingly enough all possible people other than the shooter himself. remember, america is the land where it is never your fault.

- it is a testament to the predictably programmed nature of our culture that someone could so assuredly push a philosophy into our system of information mass-distribution. it is more than reasonable to assume that the murdering spree was not the end but the means; the vehicle to force a righteous lecture upon all americans. it is embarrassing to watch an industry so self-obsessed that it cannot resist pouncing on such obvious bait.

- by exploiting that which was intended for exploitation, has our media already wastefully rewarded the shooter with the exact prize he had aimed to achieve? is it morally wrong to suggest that the greed of our industries may have caused the victims of this shooting to have died in vain?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:28 PM

March 17, 2007

good bad and queen

pretty good, but every time i put it on, i realize i just wish i was listening to gorillaz.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:55 PM

March 14, 2007

a win for the free market

for anyone who builds systems, it's about to be a good time to be a buyer.

it turns out that a very healthy number of players in a high-volume, commoditized market is two.

the intel vs. amd war is raging well, and this article does a pretty good job of explaining why consumers are about to win. for a relatively low price, builders are about to have access to low-heat, fast, multicore chips with a good amount of headroom.

in graphics, amd has interestingly enough become the second player as well, after acquiring ati and taking the reins against nvidia. amd arrived just in time for a delayed r600 and a good thumping by nvidia's 8000 series. nvidia, much like intel, is now prepping to launch the remaining low-to-mid segment of their new architecture, essentially rendering all previous generation chips both unnecessary and obsolete.

amd is late on delivery, low on headroom, and short on output capacity. in both cases. why the penchant for masochism? the parallels make you wonder what disturbing events happened early in amd's childhood. not only is amd bad at picking marriages, but abusive relationships seem to turn it on.

and if only this perverted love triangle didn't stop there. not only do we have intel vs. amd and amd vs. nvidia, but we also have nvidia vs. intel - in the chipset space. intel's dated 975X and poorly positioned P965 are lacking, most noticably in FSB headroom, but also in PCIe lanes. nvidia's hopeful 680i addresses both of these gaps and adds some extra candy, but early stability issues and lackluster RAID performance confuse the situation further. here we have a more even match, and with the forthcoming bearlake boards, buyers should expect another win.

it is most disappointing that we do not have two real players in the apu space. maybe this is the real reason we haven't seen a PCIe x-fi yet.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:05 AM

March 08, 2007

ban gardasil before it's too late

i just downloaded what apparently amounts to a sloppy, steaming dish of trojan diarrhea.

the good news is, my nifty virus scanner actually did it's job and said "no".

but immediately i realize the danger of what just happened: i suddenly feel liberated! free to download and run any piece of internet slop with my newfound confidence in protection. it was like a flashback to 1960, the birth control pill was just approved by the FDA, and i want to fuck the brains out of every skank i meet.

texas is the answer: ban gardasil before it's too late.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 10:33 PM

November 16, 2006

twisted city

the problem with new york is, nothing can ever be just simple and good, because there isn't enough of that to go around. so instead, everything that seems to be what you should want is actually something evil.

but simple and good things are boring.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:49 PM

October 02, 2006

american weddings

now that you're getting married, you must endure a very important activity: RANK YOUR FRIENDS. that's right, everyone you've ever known -- stack rank.

and then the best part. the top male and female must be recognized as the most superior and important of all friends. a small group of almost-as-good friends will be declared special and must buy clan outfits so ugly you are ensured they will never wear them again. (clearly these special friends came with the caveat of fucking you over in some way; they must be punished.) beyond this point in your list, everyone shall be banished unto a second-class citizen purgatory whereby NO SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGMENTS MAY BE MADE.

to all whom have made the cut: huzzah! secret parties! special honors! crappy speeches! may thou be the greatest of friends for all of time!

to everyone else: go fuck yourself!

-e

Posted by eviljack at 10:10 PM

June 22, 2006

organic, organic, organic

you want to kill yourself, i'll sell you food for cheap. you want to be healthy -- now that'll cost you.

is this survival of the fittest, or survival of the richest?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:55 PM

March 22, 2006

matt pond pa

ok, we get it - we're all here because you are a good songwriter, and you have some good songs, and your voice is ok - we understand that you work your ass off, and you're fucking beat, and you haven't got a good night's sleep in 3 weeks, and so on, and so forth. now if only you weren't a fucking drama queen, we'd actually feel some sympathy.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:50 AM

January 12, 2006

will wrestle you for food

i decided to open a bank account for once in my life and get free atm, billpay, and all that other crap that everyone other than me already has.

the banker told me that i need to show a proof of residence, "like an electric bill", to open an account, which obviously i carry around with me on a regular basis. i asked him what they would do if a homeless person wanted to open an account. he replied "what would a homeless person want with a bank account?" ... i don't know, maybe, save money to BUY A HOME?

and by the way, every person that says "curb your enthusiasm is the greatest show on tv since seinfeld!" should be permanently condemned to jersey, where they will live the rest of a miserable life that makes them happy.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:47 PM

October 31, 2005

people to dislike

those people that say "you're pouring out the good stuff!" when you ditch the nasty culture juice off the top of your yogurt.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 10:36 PM

September 03, 2005

its the chili peppers gettin down with the bow-wow

today i went to commerce bank at 5:00pm. it's saturday. their lobby was fully staffed. i went straight to a coin counting machine and started pouring my piggy bank into it. there were so many coins that the machine overflowed and i had to wait for a teller to change the bag before it could finish counting, for which they gave me a free gift. they then gave me $82.61 of cold, hard cash with no surcharge. nobody asked for my name or an account number.

now i realize why the guy who started commerce is a billionaire. who doesn't like free shit?!

-e

Posted by eviljack at 05:13 PM

August 15, 2005

scandalous cronies

jack abramoff? but i don't even know abram!

-e

Posted by eviljack at 08:56 PM

July 27, 2005

the worst-liked people ever

nbc has been running promos for a new reality show based on lawyers who are eliminated via over-dramatized "real" court scenes.

even though the prize is just cash, they could start making johnnie cochran's like american idols.

and that means: more celebrity lawyers... fuck.

this stuff is so obvious, i can't believe i don't think of it.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:43 AM

July 05, 2005

hate weakens the vocal cords

watching a centerpoint of the live 8 london lineup - the reunion of pink floyd- one can't help but notice that gilmour sings about 90% of the time.

as if fans waited 24 years to hear waters play bass with pink floyd again?!

by the time waters croaks through a midsection of wish you were here - sporting a high-tech but oldpersonishly visible in-ear monitor - the reason becomes clear: he can't sing anymore.

let's hear it for the anticlimax. at least there is one less thing to bother hoping for.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:29 PM

June 23, 2005

say it hasn't come to this

you know something's wrong when billy corgan releases an album that makes him sound like yet another postal service wannabe. maybe gibbard should do some guest vocals on this one too?

(thanks to styrofoam, bright eyes' "digital side", and the countless other supporters of this message)

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:10 PM

May 09, 2005

two-course meal

women who are addicted to one of chocolate or sex are usually addicted to both.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 02:00 AM

April 28, 2005

guaranteed on-time delivery

"... [social security isn't fair], particularly if your spouse has died early ..."
- george w. bush

please enlighten us mr. president, when exactly is the right time for the first spouse to die?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:03 PM

November 01, 2004

daylight spacing

I went by the rolex building today at 34th and 7th, smack in the middle of the fashion district. they have a very large digital clock that read "8:32.129". it was 7:32pm.

mind you, this is a company that pitches its products as the finest time-telling devices on earth. how can you make a good watch if you can't fucking tell time?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:51 AM

October 03, 2004

don't drink the hair gel

witness this brilliant exchange from saturday's evening news on nbc:

annoying bitch anchor: "and that does it for news channel 4 at 11, the season premiere for saturday night live is next!"

token black anchor: "ah ha, the guest host is ben affleck, the musical guest is nelly! <turns to annoying bitch anchor> you're a big fan..."

annoying bitch anchor: "give us your rendition of their hit song!"

token black anchor: "ah - in a minute..."

annoying bitch anchor: "ha ha ha! coming up!"

token black anchor: "ha ha ha!"

you just can't make this stuff up, folks. and they want to fire dan rather?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:54 PM

stick to making mustangs

on paper, a flat federal income tax sounds precisely logical, fair, elegant, simple, and perfect. everyone pays the same percentage of tax, thus tax payments are directly proportional to the amount of money you make.

tempting as this may be, any politician who is seriously proposing this idea is even more clinically insane than the current lot of feces-chucking primates we have running for office.

when it comes to dealing with real people that actually exist, a flat tax will never be implemented. the reasons - like most - are human. bracketing tax is like grading on a curve. without the curve, the population quickly becomes too polarized -- way too few people would end up getting all the A's, and way too many people would fail all their classes.

what's this? a true meritocracy, where the grading scale actually reflects humanity's full spectrum of intelligence? now that's not fair, is it? certainly the parents in our nation wouldn't think so.

self-perpetuating polarization is the crux, and until someone can come up with a better idea, a bracketed tax system is the solution.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:48 PM

October 02, 2004

she was asking for it

one argument republicans often cite when justifying the situation in iraq is "iraqis wanted saddam out".

but did they really? who is they? would it be so hard to believe that there could be millions of young, uneducated, non-caring, ignorant, or perhaps just privileged people that in fact were content with saddam in?

what if I told you that there was another, much larger country whose population is actually divided over re-electing george bush?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 10:44 PM

August 08, 2004

race reversal

right now the #1 golfer in the world is black, and the #1 rapper in the world is white. this begs the question, will canada invade alaska?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:20 PM

August 06, 2004

sooner or later

everybody learns to respect moderation, because anything else is not sustainable.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:59 PM

August 04, 2004

fuck open source

to all open source zealots - listen carefully:

it is not a god damn movement
there is no mission
there is no drama
it is not "free as in speech"
it IS "free as in beer"
and that's all it will ever be.

STALLMAN WAS WRONG

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:04 AM

July 06, 2004

to boldly go nowhere

people watch star trek for the same reasons that women read romance novels -- they are yearning for a fantasy world that will never exist.

here's a tip: spend your time interacting with real people, on earth, and life is better.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 09:23 PM

May 20, 2004

they don't compare

apparently, some wackjob social outcast stuck an aspartame hose up the ass of a rodent and let it run for the equivalent of 20 man-years.

so the rodent develops some sort of cancer (big surprise), and now we're supposed to be worried that nutrisweet will kill us.

I can't figure out who is more worthy of a painful death: the clueless perverts trying to cause cancer when they could be curing it, or the delusional fucks at PETA who think killing rats is worse than killing people.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:42 AM

May 12, 2004

melody re-use

the vocal solo leading out of "excuses" is transposed from the vocal transition melodies used in unplugged's "no pressure over cappucino".

is this cool? I'm not sure.

on the one hand, most people won't understand enough about music to realize that this is the case. in that sense, this could be the type of thing that zealots live for, considering this some kind of hidden "gem" or "secret reward" designed specifically for them.

on the other hand, she did rip herself off -- just like dave did, but even closer to being "literally". we know this. she knows this. and since she's not stupid, she also knows that we know this.

therefore, she is either (1) so full of herself that she believes zealots who care about this kind of shit will worship her for it, or (2) blatantly uncaring about the fact that she has sold the same music under two names.

I'm gonna have to go with "not cool". although it did sound good.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:16 PM

April 26, 2004

seriously, fuck the darkness

fucking brits man.
they just don't get it sometimes.
they really can't tell when something sucks.
sad.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 10:05 PM

March 25, 2004

times square

is a disgustingly large, outdoor mall. it's the "heart of new york city" about as much as fisherman's wharf is the heart of san francisco.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:51 PM

March 24, 2004

popular stagnation

you are officially past your prime when you start describing your new songs in terms of your old ones. saying that where are you going is kind of like a mix between crash and crush isn't avant-garde, it's just ripping yourself off.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:41 PM

March 18, 2004

gifted homemakers

have you ever talked to people who own water filter pitchers?
they all say the same thing:

"the trick is to fill up the pitcher and then store it in the fridge overnight"

NO FUCKING SHIT

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:01 PM

March 07, 2004

you are a fat, lazy piece of shit

somewhere in the midst of skyrocketing food portions and an epidemic of obesity, america shifted from avoiding fat to avoiding carbohydrates. 2003 was, without quesiton, the year of atkins mass-adoption. marketing departments replaced the words "diet" and "low calerie" with "low carb". even nutrisweet jumped on the bandwagon, spinning their products as "0g sugar carb" conscience-free foods.

what needs to be realized is that this shift in priorities goes against the entire balance upon which the human body was designed to function. the breakdown is simple: vitamins for health, protein for strength, carbohydrates for energy, and fat for reserves. doesn't it bother anyone that conventional wisdom now recommends avoiding our primary source of energy? what kind of an upside-down clusterfuck have we gotten ourselves into when a diet based on fat is considered healthy? are the arteries of our brains so clogged with deep-fried-everything that nobody realizes what the real problem is?

-e

Posted by eviljack at 04:19 PM

February 27, 2004

stop zealot suffrage

with a self-proclaimed agnostic generation driving the nation in increasing numbers, how is it that christianity can never seem stronger? first we have george bush, a triumph of christianity, our leader who attributes his leadership to divinity -- and now a mass-distribution hollywood blockbuster about the sacrifice of christ, not made to offend jews, but not made to be seen by them either -- and you're telling me that organized religion is in crisis? move to the midwest and get a fucking clue.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:38 AM

February 21, 2004

dogshit

if you see a dog hovering over something, it is shitting on it. dogs are animals with small brains. they don't sit still without purpose. and this is not a time to stop and gush over how cute the bitch is, because it's their shit that's going to end up on your shoe.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 05:13 PM

February 13, 2004

lost in estrogen

here we have a brilliant movie, brilliant because only a woman could possibly have made it.

the movie tracks two strangers who find themselves in an accidental tokyo rendevous. the first is an older man, perhaps over-the-hill, American movie star. the second is a young woman who is simultaneously innocent, sweet, naive, intelligent, witty, independent, bold, nurturing, and surrendering at all moments. both are married. there's the setup -- add woman, press start, and watch the feminine psyche lay out across the screen for all to see.

in just over an hour and a half, two desperate souls are gradually drawn closer to each other, stay up all night talking, have a small argument over nothing but jealousy, experience the loss and sadness of saying goodbye, and reach a dramatic climax -- one involving all of screaming through crowds of people, whispering into an ear, and kissing goodbye.

in a society where the values of the women have become the values of the people, this movie has academy award written all over it.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:02 PM

January 26, 2004

you're done

howard dean, you have served your purpose -- you reminded the country that a democratic party exists, and that you would be even more of a disaster as president than bush.

congratulations. so thanks for the WWF performance last monday. now go home and get your fucking shine box.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 05:52 AM

January 19, 2004

the 10 best albums of 2003

a perfect circle - thirteenth step
jane's addiction - strays
led zeppelin - how the west was won
outkast - speakerboxxx / the love below
pete yorn - day i forgot
postal service - give up
ryan adams - love is hell, part 1
the neptunes - present clones
the strokes - room on fire
the white stripes - elephant

the 5 albums of 2002 that are still worth mentioning:

beck - sea change
dntel - life is full of possibilities
foo fighters - one by one
interpol - turn on the bright lights
patty griffin - 1000 kisses

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:32 AM

December 15, 2003

thank you billboard, for wasting my life

Somehow I fell into the trap of watching this year's Billboard music awards. I've never watched this show before. What's this? Well, I recognize Billboard - don't they make those charts everyone talks about? - hey, some bands I know are playing. Ok.

Over the course of 3 hours, this over-commercialized, sorry excuse for an award show (like the world needs another one) managed to:

  • Censor Pink flipping off the camera while one of her dancers gives her mock-head,
  • not censor Nicole Richie saying both "fuck" and "shit",
  • present multiple awards to high-profile artists (among them 50 Cent, Chris Cornell) who didn't feel like wasting their time making an appearance,
  • reinforce the conventional wisdom that Jessica Simpson received more helpings of tit than brain,
  • present a "century award" in the year 2003, and
  • mention Paris Hilton's sex video, but not R. Kelly's.

Way to go, guys. You make a quality product.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:20 AM

fuck you saddam

For over twenty years, the US expresses implicit approval of Saddam's position as evil-overlord of Iraq. Then, one day, for no reason that is clearly apparent, the US says "never mind - fuck you Saddam"; after which his country is bombed, his palaces and possessions destroyed, his government abolished, his two sons murdered, and himself chased into a hole in the ground for eight months with nothing but money and a handgun.

We are Saddam's God.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:06 AM

April 22, 2003

today's forecast: jihad against al roker

Read just about any weather-related web site or publication these days and you will see a new feature: A report on the weather in Iraq.

Tune your television into the weather forecast with the new-and-improved Al Roker (50lb Limited Edition, now featuring more anal leakage than Anna-Nicole Smith on Olestra) and you hear something like this:

"The outlook for Basrah is looking sunny and in the mid-to-low 80's all week, but watch out if you're planning some late-afternoon travel between Kut-Al-Hai and Chamchamal! Our forecast indicates sandstorms and heavy bombing may be coming your way!"

Al, who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

The Weather Channel prominently displays a link on their front page (Middle East Weather), although it appears that they are having trouble keeping up with the fast pace of the imperial forces -- the document is still named "afghanistanwx.html". Watch out! All those high-tech Afghanis with internet-enabled caves might get confused.

AccuWeather has a report on the Middle East, oddly sharing a page with glowing praise for resident-Expert Senior Meteorologist Joe Bastardi. Bastardi? Joe, here's some advice: Change your name to Mohammed Bastar-di-Hussein and move to America 2.0 Iraq for a better look. Maybe one of the recently-liberated Iraqis will beat you to death with his new Doc Martens after looting the local Payless.

And then there's the Weather Underground, whose cutting-edge PHP scripts can be used to build your own "favorites" page to monitor weather in Karbalaa, Salahaddin, and Tickreet. That's right, in case "Iraq Weather" isn't specific enough for you, you can now hand-pick each trampled city that you urgently need weather data for.

You would think that it occurred to someone, somewhere, that this information is completely useless. Print, television, internet - there isn't a single medium here that could possibly deliver this information to anyone who actually needs it.

Case and point: Anyone having a Tom Selleck mustache and a last name with more than 4 hyphens doesn't get the New York Times delivered to their doorstep. And if you really are in Iraq right now, here's an idea: Try walking the fuck outside! According to your new masters and occupying overlords, it's going to be sunny all week. And looting inventories are going fast, so make sure to get your priceless antiques and new office furniture before supplies run out.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 12:45 AM

March 17, 2003

attack iraq? fuck you.

In a demonstration of large-scale strategerie, thousands of sophisticated drivers and homeowners across the country have taken it upon themselves to broadcast such political masterpieces as:

"Attack Iraq? NO!"
"NUKE IRAQ"
"No War On Iraq"
"Boycott France"

I have one thing to say to all these people: You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

After months of speculation, over-dramatic buildup, and useless ultimatums, we are finally going to attack Iraq. If you're still in denial of this fact, remember: You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Everyone has an opinion. We're hearing them everywhere, from public protests, to televised debates, to water cooler conversations.

And then there's the problem.

Think about it. We are talking about international affairs. For those who are not aware, allow me to explain how this works. International politics begin when big, exclusive clubs with millions of homogenic members disagree on some issue (say, the price of oil, for example). Seeing as how it isn't very practical to put these hundreds of millions of people in a room together to sort out their problems, select ignormasuses are appointed to lead the lemmings. The millions of oblivious, happy-go-lucky imbeciles that we call "population" can then go on their merry way, trusting their appointed dipshits to work out whatever dispute is at hand.

These "world leaders" aren't superheros - let's just say they are a little less than perfect. Just like you, these people have varying levels of egos, ethics, insecurities, corruption, apathy, close-mindedness, greed, and vanity. Do you really expect them to consistently run their countries with utmost levels of ethics, righteousness, honesty, and morality? Replace "them" with "you" and you will realize the answer is NO.

Now, let's turn to a simple analogy, so you can begin to see why you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You're watching a football game. It's 4th & Goal, and the driving team is down by 3 points with only 30 seconds left to go. A decision needs to be made: Does the team make the less-risky play for the tie, or do they go for the win? Depending on your favorite team, whether you got laid last night, and how many beers you've had to drink, you might have a strong opinion on what the right play is.

Bad news: You still don't know what the fuck you're talking about. In this scenario, the coach is the only one qualified to make the call. It's the coach that has the unique and most complete perspective on the game at that moment. He has direct input from his advisors and the players on his team. He knows the specific strengths and weaknesses of the opposing team, because he's studied video tapes of their previous games. He knows if his quarterback is exhausted and won't be able to pull off a touchdown. He can strategize over whether the team has the energy or the edge to pull a win in overtime. You, on the other hand, have none of this insight, all of which may be critical in making any sort of useful decision.

International politics are no different. It is impossible to comprehend the extent of historical conflicts, ulterior motives, classified intelligence, and complex tradeoffs that you are not privy to. You simply do not have the information you need to even form an opinion on whether we should attack Iraq. Nobody in this country does - except for the coach.

Love him or hate him, you elected him, and now you have no choice but to trust him. Whining won't do shit. Debating won't do shit. Protesting won't do shit. Nothing you can say about this issue matters. The coach needs to call the play, and it's way too late to change coaches.

If you don't like the play that's called, your protests aren't going to change anything. Shut the fuck up and try voting next time.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:16 PM

March 03, 2003

a dead day in the neighborhood

Mr. Rogers is dead.

And in a stroke of almost-irony, this vegetarian was killed by stomach cancer. Think of it as God's way of saying, "eat meat, be-atch!"

Ok, now admit it - this guy was freaky. Here's a grown man who plays with puppets all day and only leaves the house to go to a place called "The Neighborhood of Make-Believe". He has a special pair of "indoor shoes". His mailman's name is "Mr. McFeely".

If you don't think this is suspicious, you've probably hired Michael Jackson as your babysitter.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 01:56 AM

February 24, 2003

norah jones: relatively on top of the world

Record of the Year, Album of the Year, Song of the Year, Best New Artist, Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, and Best Pop Vocal Album. Jones is so much in favor right now that even her producer and studio engineers received grammys. This phenomenon begs the question: Why?

As a musician, performer, and visual attraction, Norah Jones is good. She's probably even great. But is she worth 8 grammys? Even she was shocked -- every time she walked up to give her 6 acceptance speeches. Apparently Norah can do no wrong, beating out the likes of Eminem, the Dixie Chicks, Bruce Springsteen, Avril Lavigne, John Mayer, Vanessa Carlton, Michelle Branch, Ashanti, Sheryl Crow, Pink, Britney Spears, and No Doubt, to name a few -- winning every single category she was nominated for.

The explanation is simple: In a music industry that is currently devoid of "new" talented musicians, Norah Jones is relatively on top of the world. This is a strangely depressing statement that currently defines reality. Is Norah Jones more talented than all of the artists she was up against? Probably not. Is the population so thirsty for some new talent worth three-quarters of a shit that they will practically assault anyone qualified? If Sunday is any indication, the answer is yes.

First and foremost, Jones is a singer. A second look reveals a trained pianist. Songwriting, however, does not appear to be her forte -- Norah wrote only 2 of the 14 songs on her debut album. This, the performer that does not write their own material, is a common and easy criticism of manufacturered singer groups (the backstreet boys and the spice girls, for example). But no such criticism is voiced of Norah. Apparently this is an easily forgettable sin, if listeners are actually convinced the performer is any good.

Norah Jones' tremendous success once again illustrates a truism of popular music: If you sing it well, they will come. For any given song and any given group, the population as a whole is primarily focused on one person: The singer. All other factors are subordinate. Splash some skilled piano playing and slick producing on top of a talented voice, and you are only adding icing to the cake.

Perhaps this landslide will bring about some realization. But it is far more likely to just cause overexposure, a sour taste left behind by a candy that was supposed to taste good.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:50 PM

February 22, 2003

pfizer killed john belushi

John Belushi was 33 when he died in bungalow #3 at the Chateau-Marmont Hotel on March 5th, 1982. He had visited the Roxy nightclub with Robert DeNiro and Robin Williams earlier that evening. His death was ruled as an accidental overdose of a heroin/cocaine mixture known as a speedball.

One of the most common methods of distributing heroin alone is a form known as "black-tar". Heroin users cook portions of these black tar-like balls in a spoon that is bent to sit level on a table. The tar is liquified as it cooks. Once it is fully melted, it is ready for mainlining.

The liquid is transferred to a syringe for injection. The most accessible and common injection points are the veins on the inner arms by the elbows - the same veins that doctors will typically select for drawing blood. Effects of mainlining begin 8 seconds after injecting into the ditch.

Heroin is one of the most physically and psychologically addictive drugs on earth. Users usually turn into addicts. Addicts may shoot up several times a day, if they can afford it. As a byproduct of slamming the same vein repeatedly, visibile tracks will form on the arm. Eventually these veins will collapse and be unusable, at which point addicts move on to veins in the back of the hands, behind the knees, or, if left no other option, the jugular vein in the neck.

Like most drugs in the United States, heroin production and distribution is illegal and unregulated. The result is a dangerous street trade that serves as the primary source of heroin for most addicts. Due to tremendous variation in the production and distribution of heroin, there can be a wide and inconsistent range of potency. Street heroin is also usually cut with other unknown substances (e.g. sugar, starch, strychnine, or other less expensive drugs) that may alter the effect. For these reasons, it is impossible to know the potency of any purchased heroin without using it.

This is the primary cause of heroin overdose. Addiction forces users to increase frequency and quantity, but it is the unreglated market that causes users to accidentally take fatal amounts. This led to the untimely deaths of a slew of names in the entertainment idustry, such as Layne Staley, John Belushi, Janis Joplin, Rivers Phoenix, Bradley Nowell, Charlie Parker, and Jonathan Melvion.

Now consider a world where the heroin market is regulated by the FDA. Pfizer would research cost-effective methods for producing and distributing heroin that are optimized for retaining and delivering consistent potency. They would make up a fancy non-word to brand their particular flavor (e.g. "Heroitia", pronounced "hair-o-ee-shuh"). And most importantly, they would sell Heroitia over the counter, with no unknown substances in the cut, delivering a consistent, low-cost method for obtaining and using heroin.

The result may or may not be an increase in heroin usage -- there are already at least 2.5 million people that have used heroin in this country alone. However, regulation would put an end to accidental overdoses. And as the largest pharmaceutical company in the world, Pfizer has an obligation to do this service for society. Pfizer has failed to fulfil this obligation for years now, resulting in the deaths of John Belushi and countless others. With $48 billion in annual revenue and $9.2 billion in profits, Pfizer has sufficient funds to lobby our government for the rights to create a safe heroin market.

Because I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all heroin tar-balls are created equal."

I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former smack addicts will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom, justice, and regulated speedballs.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not judge heroin by the color of its cut, but by the indicated potency stated on a bubble packaging that is sealed for their protection.

I have a dream today.

-e

Posted by eviljack at 02:08 AM

February 10, 2003

i got jesus fish'd.

i'm driving to work really late again, and another damn soccermom cuts me off with her minivan, and - bam - i got jesus fish'd.

first off, all you goddamn soccermom's in your minivans (or RX300's, gold-diggers) - i'll leave that for another rant.

my focus right now is on the little metal "jesus fish" decals that are seen all over the road these days. seriously, let's walk through this one.

i'm a redneck who drives a beat up F-150. i have a turn signal, but i don't use it because i can't remember whether "up" means "left" or "right". i keep the double-barrel shotgun in the back of my truck loaded in case i see a deer on the side of the road. i drive my inbred coustin-wife to the supermarket twice a week so she can pick up more vagisil.

i'm a 40-year old single woman. i weigh 300lbs because i can't keep my damn fingers off the hot pockets. i drive my 1985 mercury grand marquis to taco bell at least 12 times a week. my hair has the consistency of crisco. the interior of my car smells like chicken fat. my cat pissed on my carpet once, so i ate it.

i'm a soccermom. when i was 18, i went on a 4-year husband shopping spree at Texas A&M University. i married into money when i was 20, and dropped out of school immediately so i could start cleaning his toilet. before driving my 3 kids to soccer practice every sunday in my 1995 dodge caravan, i make sure we spend the morning at church. i also cheat on my husband, snort coke, and publish nude pictures of myself on the internet. my favorite band is still hootie & the blowfish.

(ok, i lied about saving the soccermom rant.)

what do these three people have in common? at one point, each of these people went through the following 14-step thought process:

1) do i have any opinions of my own?
2) hmm, i think i like jesus.
3) yes! jesus good.
4) i can't believe i just formed my own opinion.
5) now that i have an opinion, god says i should force it on the rest of the world.
6) how do i tell people about my love for jesus?
7) don't fish have something to do with jesus?
8) yes, of course - i believe in jesus, and i smell like fish!
9) i need to get a fish.
10) but where can i find an audience for my fish?
11) my audience needs to be sitting down.
12) and literate.
13) and able to read.
14) hmm.. where can i find an audience that is sitting, and - ah HA!

and then it dawned on them: put the fish on the ass of your car. yes, the ass of your car, where so many other fine reading materials -- like, your license plate -- have pleased your captive audiences so many times in the past.

well, i wouldn't want all you jesus-fish'ers to feel left out. next time you see my car cut you off, I hope you enjoy viewing my own fine selection of literature:

jesusFishDarwinMountsIxoye.gif

jesusFishPorn.jpg

jesusFishBiteMe.gif

jesusFishFemaleGenitalia.gif

-e

Posted by eviljack at 11:52 PM